Staying Strong for Harper

I'm having an emotional morning.

I had a bad dream last night. I dreamed I was watching my funeral from Heaven.

I know that I'm not going to die anytime soon. But I have a brain tumor, and I'm scared shitless.

I feel the need to write about get it out, and set those fears free.

I'm scared that I will die and Harper won't remember me.
I'm scared that I will die and Tuli will find someone else to be Harper's mother. Someone he will know better than me.
I'm scared that my family wouldn't be able to go on without me.
I'm scared that my trip to Arizona last weekend was the last one I'll make there.
I'm scared of getting my head shaved.
I'm scared of sleeping in the hospital alone...away from the family bed that Tuli, Harper, Sibyl and I have shared for 9 months.
I'm scared that God planned for me to have Harper so my family will have a little part of me here on Earth if I die.
I'm scared I will never skydive again.
I'm scared I won't get to hear Harper say "Mommy" or "I love you" before I die.
I'm scared that something will go wrong during surgery.
I'm scared of being weak and tired for a month or more after surgery.
I'm scared that I won't get to celebrate my 2 year AA birthday on Jan. 27th.
I'm scared I won't get to be there for Harper for his surgery in January.
I'm scared I will die an unmarried woman.
I'm scared Tuli will find someone that he loves more than me after I die.
I'm scared my parents won't die before I do.
I'm scared that I won't get to travel all of the places I want to before I die.

I'm just scared.

Yes, my sense of humor helps me. I thank my Dad for blessing me with with the humor gene.

I want to live to see my 30s. For years I have said that my 30s were going to be the best years of my life. My 20s have been a tad rough, but they have made me the strong woman I am today. I credit my 20s for helping me maintain perspective and a positive attitude with my diagnosis.

Mornings are always the hardest for me. I told Alice this morning that every morning I wake up, and I think that all of this has been a bad dream. But it's not. It is what it is.

I know Kathryn would have me do a gratitude list about now, so here it goes:

I am grateful for the most perfect baby boy, the love of my life, and my purpose for being here.
I am grateful for my diverse family. There is always the perfect person to call when I am feeling sad, glum, sarcastic or optimistic.
I am grateful for Tuli, the man who has been there for me through so much, and loved me just the same.
I am grateful for Tuli's family. Although they don't live nearby, I can feel the love from them...all the way from Wisconsin, to Alaska, to California.
I am grateful for a nice house to live in, with heat, a full fridge, a kitty, a teddy bear and lots of pictures on my walls.
I am grateful for my mama's milk...that it has grown Harper into the healthy boy he is.
I am grateful for having health insurance, auto insurance, and the feeling of security.
I am grateful for my sobriety. SO grateful.
I am grateful for amazing friends who would walk to the ends of the earth for me or Harper.
I am grateful for Tuli's job, and the things it provides for our family.
I am grateful for my education, and the critical thinking it has taught me.
I am grateful I helped Barack Obama get elected!
I am grateful I am otherwise a healthy young woman.
I am grateful for parents who love me unconditionally.
I am grateful for step-parents who love me as if I was their own.
I am grateful for my sister. The best sister in the world. The only one who truly "gets" me.
I am grateful for my Higher Power. Without him right now, I wouldn't exist.
I am grateful for my doctor. I am trusting him with my life, and I feel confident in that.

I am grateful for this blog. It lets me write the things I can't say out loud. It lets me show off my baby to the world. It keeps family and friends in touch. It gives me a creative outlet. It's an online baby book for he will have forever.

Surgery is October 19th at 2:30pm. Send prayers, good vibes and whatever else you have my way. And my family's way.

We'll end this post with some pictures from the park the other day.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

wow. i just cried really hard when i read that. i love you shannon!