While he's sleeping...

...I have the chance to write more about Doodle.

As of last Wednesday, he weighed 9lbs, 8.5 ounces. I expect that when I get him weighed again in two days, he will be around the 10lb mark. That will mean he's doubled in size! I am so happy he's a happy, healthy baby. Every Wednesday, I go to a class called "Baby Connection" at a center called Birth to Three. It's not so much a class as it is a place for Mom's to hang out with their babies. Moms (and Dads) can bring their babies in, chat with other parents, get their baby weighed, and speak to nurses about any concerns you might be having. Each week, they take a picture of your baby for you to take home. It's a pretty cool place to hang out...

...the only thing I struggle with is seeing all these other mothers breastfeeding their babies. Harper still has no interest in nursing. It breaks my heart. I am continuing to pump milk for him 8-9 times a day, so at least he is getting my milk.

Nobody tells you how hard breastfeeding can be.

Mothers who nurse their babies without any issues don't know how lucky they are.

I want to have that "something" with Harper that only a mother can have with their baby - a connection between the two of us while he nurses.

I know that he knows my smell and my voice. I know he knows I am his mother, and that I love him more than anything else in this world.

I would do anything for Harper James.

I knew I would have a tough battle nursing from the day he was born, due to his low birth weight and prematurity. Now, 2 months later, it hasn't gotten any easier for me or him. I know it's not the end of the world...that it is good he as least getting breastmilk...and that I am a good mother for continuing to hook myself up to the breastpump multiple times each day. I know that most women would not have continued pumping. I believe that most women would have stopped trying all together. The stubborn Aquarius in me won't let me give up hope, and it won't let me stop continuing to try.

My Mom wasn't breastfed, and neither was I. My Mom said I had the same reaction to breastfeeding as Harper does - screaming, crying, clawing...getting so worked up that breathing seems difficult. I have to remember that my Mom is a healthy woman. I was rarely sick as a child, and I still have an emotional attachment to my Mom, even though I was not breastfed.

I have to remember what is important - a healthy Harper, and a healthy Shannon. I know that we are emotionally connected, even though he is not nursing.

Motherhood is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

But, more importantly, it's a lot more fulfilling that I could have ever imagined. He is worth all of the work.

He is changing so much everyday. He's smiling now, and he's able to focus on objects with his eyes a lot better. He loves being sang to. His favorite way to sleep is on someone's shoulder. He seems fascinated by Sibyl - he spends lots of time just staring at her. It's adorable even though Sibyl just ignores him :) He can hold his head up now - he stills bobs around a bit sometimes, but he's getting better neck/head-control everyday. He's still a little wiggle worm - if he's awake, you can be sure that his arms and legs are flailing and kicking sporadically :) He loves car rides.

He's such a good baby.

I love him so much.