I need to vent. If I don't, I'm going to seriously start throwing things, breaking things and swearing at people. Here is everything I need to complain about.
#1 - I would really like to get paid. I haven't been paid since October 1st. I have been SUPPOSED to be getting short term disability for the past 3 months, but every time I talk to these IDIOTS, they have another hoop for me to jump through. First, they were contacting the wrong doctor (even though I gave them the CORRECT information). Then because my primary care doctor and Colleen referred me to a specialist (Dr. Katz), they had to start a NEW CLAIM. Each time they start a new claim, you have to go unpaid for the first 40 hours. Which I guess doesn't even matter at this point because I haven't received ANY money regardless. Then they told me that because the medical reason I was out was due to "high blood pressure," that they would need to be receiving updates each time they took my blood pressure before my claim would be approved. It REALLY PISSES ME OFF that the Disability company feels like it is THEIR position to determine if I REALLY have a blood pressure problem or not. I HAVE 4 DOCTORS TELLING ME THAT I DO, AND I HAVE 4 DOCTORS TELLING ME THAT IT IS MEDICALLY NECESSARY TO BE OFF OF WORK. So, this means that I have to call all these doctors for the billionth time, and give them all of DMA (disability management alternatives) information and ask them to call into this god awful 1-800 number for the 20th time, which will probably do no good anyways, because they will find another eason to delay my claim. And all of THIS is just for claim #2. Claim #1 has been sitting in denied status because THEY were contacting the wrong doctor. It will remain in denied status until it goes through the appeal process, which was supposed to happen 2 weeks ago. When I call these idiots, I get so overwhelmed with all of the dumb details. Then I get really angry, and then I end up crying. The last time I talked to them, I told them that on top of pregnancy, that THEY ARE THE REASON THAT MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS SO DAMN HIGH. People just can't go 3 months without receiving a paycheck when it is PART OF THEIR BENEFITS, and they have counted on this money, and planned their money around it.
Thank God Tuli makes enough money to help me squeek by, but having to ask your partner for money all the time is humiliating, especially when I already feel pretty worthless sitting on my pregnant butt all day long. Tuli said he would take over the following up with DMA because I honestly can't handle it anymore. If I have to give them the same information I've given 8 other people there one more time, I'm going to start using a lot of profanity, and my blood pressure will probably kill me, if I don't kill someone else first.
Second, I would love, love, LOVE for the baby room to be ready to go. I can work on it for about an hour before I want to take a nap, or my back starts spasming, or I start having contractions, or I start crying because there is still so much to do. The changing table (Tuli's desk) has zero room for any baby stuff, his closet is still full of boxes, I have loads of laundry of baby clothes to wash, dry, fold (how do you fold such tiny clothes?), and organize by size. Then try to fit it all into a dresser that is still not completely empty. If Harper were to arrive today, we'd be up a creek. We don't have the diapering supplies we need, no carseat, no stroller, no swing, no breast pump, no bottles. I am happy for the stuff we DO have - more clothes than needed, our crib and crib set, a carrier, a bassinet and some pacifiers. I am just so overwhelmed.
Third, I do NOT want to be pregnant anymore. I am sooooo uncomfortable I want to scream. I am getting about 4 hours of sleep a night because my belly and back hurt SO bad. Actually, my back hurts ALL the time, and my belly does too. My hips and pelvis constantly are throbbing. It hurts to drive because when I have to move my left foot off of the clutch, my whole abdomen/crotch area tenses up and screams in agony. I walk around the apartment holding my stomach up, or holding my crotch because I feel like it helps alleviate some of the pressure. I'm miserable and I can't fake it anymore - I want this baby OUT. Like, yesterday. I'm tired of having high blood pressure - my body can never fully relax, and it's really starting to take a toll on my body. I'm losing my mind. Nothing is enjoyable. Not even acupuncture - I can't lay on my back, and even after a damn appointment with acupuncture, my blood pressure is STILL high. My pulse is always just fine, so it's very obvious that this is not caused by me "not being able to relax and not stress out." It's out of my hands.
I'm turning into a giant ball of rage.
GIVE ME MY BABY GOD....PLEEEEEEEASE GIVE ME MY BABY SOON.
Holly Jolly Christmas...and oh yeah, High Blood Pressure...blah.
Well, Harper James won't have the same birthday as Jesus OR Chuck...we made it to 35 weeks! yay!!!
We spend Christmas Eve with my Dad, Dena, Missy, tons of Aunts and Uncles, 2 cousins, 3 cats, and 5 dogs :) A picture of Tokyo, the dog that my Dad and Dena are fostering right now is below. It was a house full! We ate really yummy food and had a great time just relaxing in my Dad's newly remodeled house. They also threw me a mini-baby shower that night, so we got lots of great baby items. We got tons of adorable outfits, a few new blankets, and hook-on high chair, and a few little toys.
Oh, and I should definitely mention that right before we left for my Dad's house on Xmas Eve, a package from the great Aunt Missy arrived - our crib set!!!! It's adorable - brown with teddy bears...the exact one we wanted :)
Before we left my Dad's house, we made sure to take some funny pictures in front of one of their FOUR Christmas trees :P
Missy feeling jolly
Missy and I at our finest
White Trash Couple of the Year!We went to my Mom and Quan's house on Christmas Day, and later in the day, my grandma and grandpa (Gma and Gpa) came for dinner and presents. We had more yummy food, and it was a very relaxing, nice day!
This is the White Elephant gift that my Mom wound up with...isn't she one sexy Grandma???
Missy and Tuli letting their food digest
Gma and Missy
Quan and I - my belly is bigger than his now, thanks to the baby in MY belly, and Quan's dieting and eating healthy...
Missy relaxing with Chuck
My belly is 97324917 times bigger than hers...
Gma and Missy
Quan and I - my belly is bigger than his now, thanks to the baby in MY belly, and Quan's dieting and eating healthy...
Missy relaxing with Chuck
My belly is 97324917 times bigger than hers...Tomorrow is the baby shower that Missy is throwing me in Albany. I can't wait to see everyone!
I am ready to have this baby....blood pressure is still high, and I am really starting to notice how worn out and tense it makes my body feel. My body hasn't been able to relax in a couple of months now, and it's starting to take a toll on my mental state as well...I know that Harper is better off inside of me, and I feel guilty for even mentioning my wanting him to come early...but honestly, I'm at the point where whenever he wants to make his appearance, I'm definitely OK with it...as long as it's not another whole month! :(
Happy Holidays to everyone...we love all of you, and we're thankful for having such great family and awesome friends!!!
I am ready to have this baby....blood pressure is still high, and I am really starting to notice how worn out and tense it makes my body feel. My body hasn't been able to relax in a couple of months now, and it's starting to take a toll on my mental state as well...I know that Harper is better off inside of me, and I feel guilty for even mentioning my wanting him to come early...but honestly, I'm at the point where whenever he wants to make his appearance, I'm definitely OK with it...as long as it's not another whole month! :(
Happy Holidays to everyone...we love all of you, and we're thankful for having such great family and awesome friends!!!
2008 in Review
Boredom will make you post surveys that are clearly written by high schoolers...
♥2008 ♥
JANUARY
Where did u go on new year' s?
Nowhere - Tuli, Max and I played Skipbo all night
Who kissed you on new year' s?
Tuli and Chuck
Did you have a New Year' s Resolution this year?
N0t on January 1st, but I got one on January 27th
Does it snow where you live?
Lately, yes! :)
Do you like hot chocolate?
Sure
Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop?
No...I think all the people and the crowd would freak me out...
FEBRUARY
Who was your Valentine?
Tuli
When you were little did you buy Valentine' s for the whole class?
Well, I'm sure my parents actually bought them, but I handed them out to the whole class
Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not?
No
What did you receive for valentine' s day?
Pretty flowers :)
What did you give for Valentine' s Day?
A card
MARCH
Are you irish ?
Half of me is
Do you like corned beef and cabbage?
Nope
What did you do for St. Patrick' s Day?
Nothing exciting because I don't remember...
Are you happy when winter is pretty much over?
No, not really, it means the end of snowboarding
APRIL
Do you like the rain?
I don't mind it, and I love sleeping to the sound of it
Did you play an April fool' s joke on anyone this year?
Nah
Do you get tons of candy for Easter?
Not anymore - being a grown up sucks sometimes haha
What is exciting about April?
Well, my Mom and G-ma's birthday, and this year, Harper was conceived
MAY
What is your favorite flower?
Yellow roses and Gerber daisies
Do you celebrate May 16th: National Piercing Day?
Um no.
Is May anything special to you?
This May, I found out I would be a mother :) That's pretty darn special I think...
Anything cool happen this month?
Ummm....yes!!!!! I met Michael Franti, and he rubbed my belly!!!!!!
JUNE
What year did/ will you graduate?
HS - 1998
College - 2002
Did you do anything fun during this Month ?
Missy and I got to spend Father's Day with my Dad together, which was nice - we went to a butterfly farm
Have a favorite baseball team?
Baseball bores me
JULY --
What did you do on the 4th of July?
Tuli and I set off some fireworks at the park down the street from our old house, and made out like high schoolers :)
Did you go to the fireworks?
Not the big ones
Did you blast the A/C all day?
We didn't have A/C
AUGUS T
Did you have a sunburn?
No, I don't think so....
Did you go to the pool a lot?
No, we were in Alaska for half of the month haha
SEPTEMBER
Are you attending college/ school?
Nope
Do you like fall better than summer?
Fall is my favorite
What happened this month ?
Spearhead concert in Portland
OCTOBER
Whats your favorite candy ?
Reeses
What was your favorite thing ( s) about this month ?
Feeling Harper move around inside of me
What were you for Halloween?
A big emotional, crying blob who cried to her Mom all night lol.
NOVEMBER
Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving?
Stop #1 - My step-sister, Amy's house
Stop #2 - My Aunt Kim and Uncle Mike's house
Next year - Wisconsin!!!!!
What are you thankful for?
My family, Tuli, Harper, all my friends, Barack Obama
Do you love stuffing?
Yep
Anything exciting happen this month?
Only the MOST historical day of my lifetime...when Barack Obama won the election!!!!
DECEMBER
Do you celebrate Christmas?
Yes indeedy
Have you ever been kissed under the mistle toe?
Not that I remember
Get anything special last year?
My favorite gift was a custom calendar that Tuli had made for me :) I'm keeping it even when 2008 is over!!
What do you want this year?
a healthy baby more than anything
What do you love most about December?
My sister is always home for the holidays - I love me some sister time
♥2008
JANUA
Where
Nowhere - Tuli, Max and I played Skipbo all night
Who kisse
Tuli and Chuck
Did you have a New Year'
N0t on January 1st, but I got one on January 27th
Does it snow where
Lately, yes! :)
Do you like hot choco
Sure
Have you ever been to Times
No...I think all the people and the crowd would freak me out...
FEBRU
Who was your Valen
Tuli
When you were littl
Well, I'm sure my parents actually bought them, but I handed them out to the whole class
Do you care if the groun
No
What did you recei
Pretty flowers :)
What did you give for Valen
A card
MARCH
Are you irish
Half of me is
Do you like corne
Nope
What did you do for St. Patri
Nothing exciting because I don't remember...
Are you happy
No, not really, it means the end of snowboarding
APRIL
Do you like the rain?
I don't mind it, and I love sleeping to the sound of it
Did you play an April
Nah
Do you get tons of candy
Not anymore - being a grown up sucks sometimes haha
What is exciting about April?
Well, my Mom and G-ma's birthday, and this year, Harper was conceived
MAY
What is your favor
Yellow roses and Gerber daisies
Do you celeb
Um no.
Is May anyth
This May, I found out I would be a mother :) That's pretty darn special I think...
Anything cool happen this month?
Ummm....yes!!!!! I met Michael Franti, and he rubbed my belly!!!!!!
JUNE
What year did/ will you gradu
HS - 1998
College - 2002
Did you do anyth
Missy and I got to spend Father's Day with my Dad together, which was nice - we went to a butterfly farm
Have a favor
Baseball bores me
JULY --
What did you do on the 4th of July?
Tuli and I set off some fireworks at the park down the street from our old house, and made out like high schoolers :)
Did you go to the firew
Not the big ones
Did you blast
We didn't have A/C
AUGUS
Did you have a sunbu
No, I don't think so....
Did you go to the pool a lot?
No, we were in Alaska for half of the month haha
SEPTE
Are you atten
Nope
Do you like fall bette
Fall is my favor
What happe
Spearhead concert in Portland
OCTOB
Whats
Reeses
What was your favor
Feeling Harper move around inside of me
What were you for Hallo
A big emotional, crying blob who cried to her Mom all night lol.
NOVEM
Whose
Stop #1 - My step-sister, Amy's house
Stop #2 - My Aunt Kim and Uncle Mike's house
Next year - Wisconsin!!!!!
What are you thank
My family, Tuli, Harper, all my friends, Barack Obama
Do you love stuff
Yep
Anyth
Only the MOST historical day of my lifetime...when Barack Obama won the election!!!!
DECEM
Do you celeb
Yes indeedy
Have you ever been kisse
Not that I remember
Get anyth
My favorite gift was a custom calendar that Tuli had made for me :) I'm keeping it even when 2008 is over!!
What do you want this year?
a healthy baby more than anything
What do you love most about
My sister is always home for the holidays - I love me some sister time
34 Weeks...Keep on cookin', Harper!!!
We realized we forgot to take a 34 week picture, so this one is actually 34 weeks, 5 days :) It was first thing in the morning, so I look a *little* sleepy :P Look how cute our little fake tree is!
Soooooo Relieved!!!!
We had another Dr.'s appointment yesterday, and they told us that Harper is nearly 5 pounds now!!! SUCH a big improvement from last week!!! He's measuring in about the 33rd percentile, which is also a LOT better than the 20th, which was what they told us last week.
We are 2 relieved soon-to-be-parents!!!!
Our midwife had kind of prepared us for our appointment yesterday. She told us that if Harper had fallen below the 20th percentile, then they would most likely have me stay in the hospital to be monitored, or to be induced. On Wednesday night, Tuli and I went out to dinner, in case it was our last night. All day yesterday before the appointment, we were both so anxious...we both kept wondering if we were going to have a baby before Christmas!
The Dr. doesn't need to see us until January 5th now, unless I start having symptoms of toxemia (sudden severe swelling, a headache that affects my vision, protein in my urine). We are THRILLED that Harper gets to cook in my oven for at least 2 more weeks - to get even chubbier, and cuter for us :) He's kicking me as I type this :)
My Dad came with us to the appointment yesterday, so it was nice that he could meet Colleen and the doctor. Even though he says that "grandpa" makes him feel old, I have a feeling he's going to love it...haha :P
In other news, it has been snowing off and on for the last 5 days or so, so Tuli has been getting to work from home a lot. It's been nice having some company during the day. With everything that has been going on with Harper, we have done ZERO Christmas shopping, so hopefully we can get that started and done this weekend. My sister is flying into Portland tomorrow, and I am soooo excited to see her!!!!
We are 2 relieved soon-to-be-parents!!!!
Our midwife had kind of prepared us for our appointment yesterday. She told us that if Harper had fallen below the 20th percentile, then they would most likely have me stay in the hospital to be monitored, or to be induced. On Wednesday night, Tuli and I went out to dinner, in case it was our last night. All day yesterday before the appointment, we were both so anxious...we both kept wondering if we were going to have a baby before Christmas!
The Dr. doesn't need to see us until January 5th now, unless I start having symptoms of toxemia (sudden severe swelling, a headache that affects my vision, protein in my urine). We are THRILLED that Harper gets to cook in my oven for at least 2 more weeks - to get even chubbier, and cuter for us :) He's kicking me as I type this :)
My Dad came with us to the appointment yesterday, so it was nice that he could meet Colleen and the doctor. Even though he says that "grandpa" makes him feel old, I have a feeling he's going to love it...haha :P
In other news, it has been snowing off and on for the last 5 days or so, so Tuli has been getting to work from home a lot. It's been nice having some company during the day. With everything that has been going on with Harper, we have done ZERO Christmas shopping, so hopefully we can get that started and done this weekend. My sister is flying into Portland tomorrow, and I am soooo excited to see her!!!!
Harper's 33 Week Photo Session
Harper at 33 Weeks - he definitely has Tuli's nose and lips!! He's so stinking cute!!!
Me at 33 Weeks
Blood Pressure was GREAT today!
Today when I went to my acupuncture appointment, my blood pressure was only 128/86!!!! Still not "ideal," but a hell of a lot better than what it was at the Dr.'s office (155/110)!!!!
I told Kamala (my acupuncturist) that she just needs to come with me to all of my Dr.'s appointments because she is apparently the only person I can chill out and calm down with :P
My body loves acupuncture, and so does Harper. He is ALWAYS the MOST active when I am lying there on the acupuncture table. No kidding, he moves the entire 25 minutes I'm laying down "relaxing." I'm supposed to be laying there with my eyes closed, but I find myself watching my belly bounce up and down from his kicks. He likes it when Mommy can take a chill pill :)
Another thing that helped was getting a massage yesterday afternoon. Tuli treated me to a one-hour massage, and it was wonderful. The place I go to has a whole cut out for pregnant bellies, and two holes cut out on top for my ever-growing Harper-Feeders. I slept better last night, and I think that it probably helped my blood pressure reading this morning as well. AND - Tuli bought me a package deal, so I have 4 more left on my account there!!! Do I have the best Baby Daddy or what? :)
I am 33 weeks along now, but you might have noticed that I have stopped comparing Harper's size to fruits and other things like that. He's growing (slowly, but surely), and that's all that matters!! My belly is getting big, and to date, I've gained about 19 pounds. My belly is big enough to block Tuli's view of the TV when I walk past it (he really loves it when I do that), and now when we go out to eat, there are no more leftovers for us to take home. I eat about as much as Tuli eats during a meal now, which is pretty crazy because I've always been a "nibbler." My Mom says I have always "eaten like a bird." Now I think I'm more like a vulture :)
One of my best friends, Cathy, is throwing me a baby shower on Saturday for all of my friends who live in Eugene, plus my Mom. I'm excited for Harper's first party!! It will be nice to have a stress-free party in mine and Harper's honor. I'm kind of dying for some social interaction these days - talking to my cat and teddy bear all day is nice and everything, but I wouldn't mind some girl time with my friends :) I'm very excited too because my friend Courtney (the one who helped save the world by helping Barack get elected) will be in town for it!! Yayaaaaah!!!!
I told Kamala (my acupuncturist) that she just needs to come with me to all of my Dr.'s appointments because she is apparently the only person I can chill out and calm down with :P
My body loves acupuncture, and so does Harper. He is ALWAYS the MOST active when I am lying there on the acupuncture table. No kidding, he moves the entire 25 minutes I'm laying down "relaxing." I'm supposed to be laying there with my eyes closed, but I find myself watching my belly bounce up and down from his kicks. He likes it when Mommy can take a chill pill :)
Another thing that helped was getting a massage yesterday afternoon. Tuli treated me to a one-hour massage, and it was wonderful. The place I go to has a whole cut out for pregnant bellies, and two holes cut out on top for my ever-growing Harper-Feeders. I slept better last night, and I think that it probably helped my blood pressure reading this morning as well. AND - Tuli bought me a package deal, so I have 4 more left on my account there!!! Do I have the best Baby Daddy or what? :)
I am 33 weeks along now, but you might have noticed that I have stopped comparing Harper's size to fruits and other things like that. He's growing (slowly, but surely), and that's all that matters!! My belly is getting big, and to date, I've gained about 19 pounds. My belly is big enough to block Tuli's view of the TV when I walk past it (he really loves it when I do that), and now when we go out to eat, there are no more leftovers for us to take home. I eat about as much as Tuli eats during a meal now, which is pretty crazy because I've always been a "nibbler." My Mom says I have always "eaten like a bird." Now I think I'm more like a vulture :)
One of my best friends, Cathy, is throwing me a baby shower on Saturday for all of my friends who live in Eugene, plus my Mom. I'm excited for Harper's first party!! It will be nice to have a stress-free party in mine and Harper's honor. I'm kind of dying for some social interaction these days - talking to my cat and teddy bear all day is nice and everything, but I wouldn't mind some girl time with my friends :) I'm very excited too because my friend Courtney (the one who helped save the world by helping Barack get elected) will be in town for it!! Yayaaaaah!!!!
Harper's Growth Update
For those of you who don't know, one of the reasons we picked the name Harper was after one of our favorite musicians, Ben Harper. I have been a Ben fan for about 10 years now...he is an amazing musician, and he really has a lot of inspirational lyrics.
This picture was taken with my cell phone at a Ben Harper concert Tuli and I went to last year.
We had another Dr. appointment yesterday with Dr. Katz. Our midwife, Colleen, came with us as well. Last time we visited Dr. Katz, Harper was measuring small, in the 35th percentile. Unfortunately, as of yesterday, he was measuring even smaller :( His head and arms are measuring right on track (and he's got a head full of hair), but his torso and his legs are measuring too small for how far along I am. This is due to my high blood pressure.
The high blood pressure I'm having is a result of a combination of things. First, I have some issues with anxiety, which is nothing new. All of the extra weight I'm carrying around makes me feel claustrophobic in my own body...like I'm trapped in a sense. Plus, with all this new information about Harper being small for his gestational age, I'm anxious thinking (or trying NOT to think) about that. There is also evidence from my medical charts that I suffered from hypertension long before I ever got pregnant.
The high blood pressure is what is causing Harper to have some growth restrictions. It's honestly difficult for me to NOT blame myself, even though everyone keeps telling me that it's not my fault, that it's just how my body is wired. I'm just not wired to handle stress like a normal pregnant woman. It is still a difficult thing for me to accept - I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother...and I feel like I'm failing yet again at something important in life. I feel broken.
So, here is the breakdown, according to Dr. Katz and Colleen:
I will most likely NOT make it to my due date (January 29th).
I will most likely develop preeclampsia, or toxemia.
There's a good chance I will be induced early (this doesn't have to mean induced with drugs...there are natural ways to induce as well, which I will try first obviously...).
If my blood pressure gets extremely high, or I develop other symptoms of preeclampsia, I could have a baby tomorrow...or the next day.
Anything extremely early would result in a hospital birth.
In the meantime....
I'm continuing to do EVERYTHING they tell me to: acupucture, massage, eating healthy foods that are supposed to help high blood pressure, taking a mixture of herbs and vitamins, staying off of work, and not doing ANYTHING that would cause me anxiety.
I have accepted that I might give birth in the hospital...I want whatever will keep Harper the healthiest. The thing I cannot bear to think about is him coming early enough, that he would have to spend days, or weeks, in the NICU. I do not want to spend Xmas visiting my baby at the hospital. I want to be able to hold him as soon as I birth him.
This being said...if I seem short/distant with anyone, it's simply because I don't want to re-hash all of the things I'm worried about to numerous people. It just doesn't help...What I DO need from people are encouraging words, understanding and patience (not horror stories...trust me, these are already swimming around in my head). I will keep everyone updated on this blog, but other than my family, I really need to focus on NOT talking about all of this negative stuff. Know that I love all of you, but I do have to set boundaries for my health...but more importantly, for Harper's health.
The good news is that if he was to be born now, he has a 99% chance of survival. He has 2 arms, and 2 legs. 10 fingers and 10 toes. He has his Daddy's lips and nose, and he's very active. He got an 8/8 on the movement/oxygen test. He only weighs 3.5 pounds right now due to the hypertension/growth restriction issue...but this is his/my only struggle right now. Every day and week that I can remain calm, and he can remain inside of my belly, is good for him. We want him to get chubby!!!
So, back to the Ben Harper thing...Colleen has suggested I hang up positive affirmations everywhere I can see them - to help me not focus on worrying. My mantra is going to be from a Ben Harper song:
I can't spend the rest of my pregnancy worrying. I can only continue to take care of myself, and love that growing baby inside of my womb. Worrying will only make things worse...I can't fear the unknown...I need to embrace this experience for everything it has taught me, and for the beautiful baby boy I will be able to hold very soon.
This picture was taken with my cell phone at a Ben Harper concert Tuli and I went to last year.
We had another Dr. appointment yesterday with Dr. Katz. Our midwife, Colleen, came with us as well. Last time we visited Dr. Katz, Harper was measuring small, in the 35th percentile. Unfortunately, as of yesterday, he was measuring even smaller :( His head and arms are measuring right on track (and he's got a head full of hair), but his torso and his legs are measuring too small for how far along I am. This is due to my high blood pressure.
The high blood pressure I'm having is a result of a combination of things. First, I have some issues with anxiety, which is nothing new. All of the extra weight I'm carrying around makes me feel claustrophobic in my own body...like I'm trapped in a sense. Plus, with all this new information about Harper being small for his gestational age, I'm anxious thinking (or trying NOT to think) about that. There is also evidence from my medical charts that I suffered from hypertension long before I ever got pregnant.
The high blood pressure is what is causing Harper to have some growth restrictions. It's honestly difficult for me to NOT blame myself, even though everyone keeps telling me that it's not my fault, that it's just how my body is wired. I'm just not wired to handle stress like a normal pregnant woman. It is still a difficult thing for me to accept - I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother...and I feel like I'm failing yet again at something important in life. I feel broken.
So, here is the breakdown, according to Dr. Katz and Colleen:
I will most likely NOT make it to my due date (January 29th).
I will most likely develop preeclampsia, or toxemia.
There's a good chance I will be induced early (this doesn't have to mean induced with drugs...there are natural ways to induce as well, which I will try first obviously...).
If my blood pressure gets extremely high, or I develop other symptoms of preeclampsia, I could have a baby tomorrow...or the next day.
Anything extremely early would result in a hospital birth.
In the meantime....
I'm continuing to do EVERYTHING they tell me to: acupucture, massage, eating healthy foods that are supposed to help high blood pressure, taking a mixture of herbs and vitamins, staying off of work, and not doing ANYTHING that would cause me anxiety.
I have accepted that I might give birth in the hospital...I want whatever will keep Harper the healthiest. The thing I cannot bear to think about is him coming early enough, that he would have to spend days, or weeks, in the NICU. I do not want to spend Xmas visiting my baby at the hospital. I want to be able to hold him as soon as I birth him.
This being said...if I seem short/distant with anyone, it's simply because I don't want to re-hash all of the things I'm worried about to numerous people. It just doesn't help...What I DO need from people are encouraging words, understanding and patience (not horror stories...trust me, these are already swimming around in my head). I will keep everyone updated on this blog, but other than my family, I really need to focus on NOT talking about all of this negative stuff. Know that I love all of you, but I do have to set boundaries for my health...but more importantly, for Harper's health.
The good news is that if he was to be born now, he has a 99% chance of survival. He has 2 arms, and 2 legs. 10 fingers and 10 toes. He has his Daddy's lips and nose, and he's very active. He got an 8/8 on the movement/oxygen test. He only weighs 3.5 pounds right now due to the hypertension/growth restriction issue...but this is his/my only struggle right now. Every day and week that I can remain calm, and he can remain inside of my belly, is good for him. We want him to get chubby!!!
So, back to the Ben Harper thing...Colleen has suggested I hang up positive affirmations everywhere I can see them - to help me not focus on worrying. My mantra is going to be from a Ben Harper song:
Don't fear what you don't know
Just let that be
Your room to grow
Just let that be
Your room to grow
I can't spend the rest of my pregnancy worrying. I can only continue to take care of myself, and love that growing baby inside of my womb. Worrying will only make things worse...I can't fear the unknown...I need to embrace this experience for everything it has taught me, and for the beautiful baby boy I will be able to hold very soon.
Baby Dreams
I just want to write some of these crazy dreams down, so I don't forget about them:
First of all....Tuli has had two baby dreams.
#1 - He dreamed that we were at home, and I was in labor. He turned his head, and while he was doing that, I gave birth and didn't tell him, so he wasn't able to catch Harper.
#2 - He dreamed that he was at work, while I was at home laboring. In the dream, nobody at work told him to come home, or that I was in labor, so he missed the birth of Harper again.
Don't worry honey...you will be WELL aware when it's time!!!!!! :)
OK, most of my dreams are good ones....ones where I am usually breastfeeding with great success! The last one I had, I was breastfeeding Harper, and he started coughing, so I pulled away from him, and he spit up all over Tuli :) Even though Tuli would probably not agree, it was a really cute dream.
In the last 2-3 baby dreams, I've been able to see that Harper has big, rosy lips, Tuli's nose, and black straight hair. I wonder if that's what he'll really look like?!
Oh, and it wasn't baby-related, but I also had a dream recently where my Mom had her private pilot's license, and she was flying us back from a vacation in Alaska. hahahahaha
First of all....Tuli has had two baby dreams.
#1 - He dreamed that we were at home, and I was in labor. He turned his head, and while he was doing that, I gave birth and didn't tell him, so he wasn't able to catch Harper.
#2 - He dreamed that he was at work, while I was at home laboring. In the dream, nobody at work told him to come home, or that I was in labor, so he missed the birth of Harper again.
Don't worry honey...you will be WELL aware when it's time!!!!!! :)
OK, most of my dreams are good ones....ones where I am usually breastfeeding with great success! The last one I had, I was breastfeeding Harper, and he started coughing, so I pulled away from him, and he spit up all over Tuli :) Even though Tuli would probably not agree, it was a really cute dream.
In the last 2-3 baby dreams, I've been able to see that Harper has big, rosy lips, Tuli's nose, and black straight hair. I wonder if that's what he'll really look like?!
Oh, and it wasn't baby-related, but I also had a dream recently where my Mom had her private pilot's license, and she was flying us back from a vacation in Alaska. hahahahaha
Harper Has Cool Grandparents
Thanks Yous are in order!!!!
Thank you to Grandma KJ for sending me and Harper boxes of clothes!!! She's so thoughtful to be looking out for us all the way from WI!
Thank you to Grandpa Healy for bringing us a dresser! It fits in our room perfectly, and it definitely helped us get more organized!!!
...and thank you to Grammy Catherine for helping us clean out Harper's room yesterday. She was here for about 5 hours helping us sort through boxes, making Goodwill trips, and she also bought us some shelving. I can't tell you how much better I feel being able to walk into Harper's room!!!
We still have plenty of work to do to get ready for Harper's arrival...but Tuli and I feel sooooo much better knowing we have a nice dresser, clothes for the baby, and room for baby stuff in Harper's room! Harper is lucky to have such great family...all over the US!!! Now, we just need to figure out when Grandpa Dave is going to come visit!!!!!!!!
Tomorrow is our follow up appointment with Dr. Katz...keep Harper and me in your thoughts...send good thoughts of low blood pressure my way!!!! :)
Thank you to Grandma KJ for sending me and Harper boxes of clothes!!! She's so thoughtful to be looking out for us all the way from WI!
Thank you to Grandpa Healy for bringing us a dresser! It fits in our room perfectly, and it definitely helped us get more organized!!!
...and thank you to Grammy Catherine for helping us clean out Harper's room yesterday. She was here for about 5 hours helping us sort through boxes, making Goodwill trips, and she also bought us some shelving. I can't tell you how much better I feel being able to walk into Harper's room!!!
BEFORE
AFTER
We still have plenty of work to do to get ready for Harper's arrival...but Tuli and I feel sooooo much better knowing we have a nice dresser, clothes for the baby, and room for baby stuff in Harper's room! Harper is lucky to have such great family...all over the US!!! Now, we just need to figure out when Grandpa Dave is going to come visit!!!!!!!!
Tomorrow is our follow up appointment with Dr. Katz...keep Harper and me in your thoughts...send good thoughts of low blood pressure my way!!!! :)
Aunt Courtney!
I'm not feeling much like writing right now, but I had to share the adorable picture that Tuli took of me and Courtney last night....it's definitely one of my favorites of all time!
Gracias a mi amor....
I love you.
Thank you for making me feel beautiful, even when I feel like a house.
Thank you for getting me a Gatorade from the fridge when I feel like I can't get up from the couch by myself.
Thank you for being strong in my weak moments.
Thank you for making me laugh, and for laughing at my jokes.
Thank you for telling me everything's OK, when hormones take over
my body.
Thank you for kissing my belly.
Thank you for pushing me to be a better person.
Thank you for all the feet and shoulder rubs.
Thank you for letting me wear your clothes because mine don't
fit anymore.
Thank you for helping around the house.
Thank you for being the best partner I could ever ask for!
Thank
my body.
fit anymo
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