Dear God, It's Me, Shannon...and I am losing my mind.

I need to vent. If I don't, I'm going to seriously start throwing things, breaking things and swearing at people. Here is everything I need to complain about.

#1 - I would really like to get paid. I haven't been paid since October 1st. I have been SUPPOSED to be getting short term disability for the past 3 months, but every time I talk to these IDIOTS, they have another hoop for me to jump through. First, they were contacting the wrong doctor (even though I gave them the CORRECT information). Then because my primary care doctor and Colleen referred me to a specialist (Dr. Katz), they had to start a NEW CLAIM. Each time they start a new claim, you have to go unpaid for the first 40 hours. Which I guess doesn't even matter at this point because I haven't received ANY money regardless. Then they told me that because the medical reason I was out was due to "high blood pressure," that they would need to be receiving updates each time they took my blood pressure before my claim would be approved. It REALLY PISSES ME OFF that the Disability company feels like it is THEIR position to determine if I REALLY have a blood pressure problem or not. I HAVE 4 DOCTORS TELLING ME THAT I DO, AND I HAVE 4 DOCTORS TELLING ME THAT IT IS MEDICALLY NECESSARY TO BE OFF OF WORK. So, this means that I have to call all these doctors for the billionth time, and give them all of DMA (disability management alternatives) information and ask them to call into this god awful 1-800 number for the 20th time, which will probably do no good anyways, because they will find another eason to delay my claim. And all of THIS is just for claim #2. Claim #1 has been sitting in denied status because THEY were contacting the wrong doctor. It will remain in denied status until it goes through the appeal process, which was supposed to happen 2 weeks ago. When I call these idiots, I get so overwhelmed with all of the dumb details. Then I get really angry, and then I end up crying. The last time I talked to them, I told them that on top of pregnancy, that THEY ARE THE REASON THAT MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS SO DAMN HIGH. People just can't go 3 months without receiving a paycheck when it is PART OF THEIR BENEFITS, and they have counted on this money, and planned their money around it.

Thank God Tuli makes enough money to help me squeek by, but having to ask your partner for money all the time is humiliating, especially when I already feel pretty worthless sitting on my pregnant butt all day long. Tuli said he would take over the following up with DMA because I honestly can't handle it anymore. If I have to give them the same information I've given 8 other people there one more time, I'm going to start using a lot of profanity, and my blood pressure will probably kill me, if I don't kill someone else first.

Second, I would love, love, LOVE for the baby room to be ready to go. I can work on it for about an hour before I want to take a nap, or my back starts spasming, or I start having contractions, or I start crying because there is still so much to do. The changing table (Tuli's desk) has zero room for any baby stuff, his closet is still full of boxes, I have loads of laundry of baby clothes to wash, dry, fold (how do you fold such tiny clothes?), and organize by size. Then try to fit it all into a dresser that is still not completely empty. If Harper were to arrive today, we'd be up a creek. We don't have the diapering supplies we need, no carseat, no stroller, no swing, no breast pump, no bottles. I am happy for the stuff we DO have - more clothes than needed, our crib and crib set, a carrier, a bassinet and some pacifiers. I am just so overwhelmed.

Third, I do NOT want to be pregnant anymore. I am sooooo uncomfortable I want to scream. I am getting about 4 hours of sleep a night because my belly and back hurt SO bad. Actually, my back hurts ALL the time, and my belly does too. My hips and pelvis constantly are throbbing. It hurts to drive because when I have to move my left foot off of the clutch, my whole abdomen/crotch area tenses up and screams in agony. I walk around the apartment holding my stomach up, or holding my crotch because I feel like it helps alleviate some of the pressure. I'm miserable and I can't fake it anymore - I want this baby OUT. Like, yesterday. I'm tired of having high blood pressure - my body can never fully relax, and it's really starting to take a toll on my body. I'm losing my mind. Nothing is enjoyable. Not even acupuncture - I can't lay on my back, and even after a damn appointment with acupuncture, my blood pressure is STILL high. My pulse is always just fine, so it's very obvious that this is not caused by me "not being able to relax and not stress out." It's out of my hands.

I'm turning into a giant ball of rage.


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